I had a conversation yesterday about a time that I felt the happiest in the last few years. The first thing that came to mind was when I first met and started dating my ex in 2007 (before things turned into a massive shitstorm, obviously). That got me to thinking about what, specifically, had made me so happy then, and how I could recreate that for myself now. I realized that it’s somewhat of a pattern- meet a new guy, he pays attention to you, you start feeling the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling, and that rush of endorphins makes the grass greener, the sky bluer, and you’re officially in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. The problem with that? Is that that great new-guy feeling is directly related to, well, having a new guy.  Having been single forever (it seems) means that I haven’t felt that particular rush in a long time. Here’s the crux of it all, though: I think it’s possible to get that new-guy boost without actually being dependent (boo dependency!) on another person coming into/being a part of your life. Bear with me, because I really think we can achieve that boost independently, do it for ourselves (not some dude) and in the long run, make those great feelings last way longer.

It seems to boil down to 5 main things:

1. Dress your best

Think back to the last first date you had. How long did you spend primping and trying on outfits, getting mani/pedis, and making sure you looked (and ultimately felt) totally fabulous? Now think about the last time you did that just because. Especially for those of us who work from home, getting dressed to go out can seem like more of a pain in the ass than a way of being good to ourselves. But spend 15-20 minutes doing your hair, putting on a touch of makeup, and grabbing an outfit that makes you look and feel great? And that will change how you feel, how you carry yourself, and instantly boost your confidence.

2. Act like you own it

Speaking of confidence, this one is a biggie. It’s about recreating that “Oh yeah, I just scored with the hottest guy on the team/in the house/in our group” feeling. You know what I mean, right? That fist-pumping in the air, I’m a total badass feeling. And there’s no reason that you can’t act that way just because. I guarantee you that you’ve done a hell of a lot of awesome things in your life other than getting attention from a new guy, so why aren’t you celebrating them? Put your shoulders back, stand taller, walk with purpose. Pair that with feeling good because you’re looking good, and that’s a winning combination already.

3. Sing & dance more

The last time I went on a date (we won’t talk about how long ago that was), and I thought it went well (little did I know), I immediately blasted Kelly Clarkson and did a victory dance around my apartment while singing at the top of my lungs. Talk about an endorphin booster! The silly thing is? It took me this long to realize that yes, it made me feel amazing, and no, I don’t need a new guy to have my own dance/karaoke party! Trust me on this one- you might feel ridiculous and out of breath, but it can make a major difference in your mood (and it burns calories!)

4. Be good to your bod

On the calorie-burning front, let’s talk about exercise and eating well. Maybe it’s just me, but I want to look and feel skinny for dates/new relationships, and care about it more then than I normally do. I guess that’s part of the honeymoon phase before you let yourself get lazy? But again- why the hell can’t/aren’t I doing this for MYSELF? Forget about looking good for a guy- working out and eating better will make you look and feel better, regardless of who comes in and out of your life. Happy people don’t kill people. Happy people also just feel freaking better about life.

5. Know your worth

Hello there, it’s your self-confidence calling. Remember her? It’s a bad trap to fall into, letting a new conquest be a huge self-esteem booster. While it might feel great to have a guy you like paying attention to you, you’ve got to know your own worth and love/appreciate yourself first (otherwise, you’ll attract guys like my ex’s from hell). And if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this? It’s that the more you value yourself, the more someone else will value you as well. Plus, as the ever-so-wise RuPaul likes to say, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

So that’s my take on 5 things that you can do to get that confidence-boosting, walk-like-you’re-a-badass, hair commercial shine, “new-guy glow” … with no guys required! I’m off to have a dance party… Let me know how these tips work out for you this weekend!

advice dating exercise independence self-esteem